Fumbling towards Faith

Pardon the ridiculous number of sentence fragments and all manner of grammatical butchery that will soon follow. I write like I talk, in fragments and images that don’t always make sense to the reader. The first few paragraphs I wrote after a particularly painful experience that occurred not too long ago, one that left me scarred and uncertain about my future. It’s still too painful and fresh to explore in detail, but you should understand its impact and not necessarily its cause. The second half is from a letter to a friend in response to his own existential quandary. His experience is similar to mine in effect, but again, different in cause. I just find it interesting that we go back to our roots in such times of need and affirmation. I still don’t see myself as the man I want to be. I hate being a hero to everyone in my life, but feeling that I fall short when it comes to the ones who matter the most. I develop impactful relationships that are short term, but the ones that are everlasting I neglect. My how things are about to change…again. Funny how you find yourself in this position…again.

Those of you that know me, I mean, reeeeally (imagine Doctor Cox from Scrubs) know me will get it. I’m sitting in my easy chair listening to Keith Greens Prodigal Son Suite looking for lyrics to the song that follows, also known as First Corinthians chapter 13. I have always stood up for what I believe, sometimes quietly, sometimes proudly, but always with fierce intent. Now, please, don’t shoebox me just because I’m quoting scripture from the Bible, or that I’m referencing Contemporary Christian music from way back in the day. I can quote ya something from almost everything I’ve ever read, and that includes lotsa philosophy and religion. And, my most annoying trait…I remember every song that I hear. Did ya catch that? I remember…every…song that I hear. Are you kidding me? It’s a curse unlike anything exept water torture. Now my MP3 of “water color ponies” by Wayne Watson starts up. I will cry.
I say all that to say this. I had a very clear value system at a very young age. Thanks to the various inputs in my life, I adapted pieces of numerous spiritual theories, in order to cobble together a flimsy belief system that has its roots in Judeo Christian Philosophy. Love is very important to me. I have always loved in extremes. No matter how bad the deal, if I loved, it didn’t matter. Misfortune in not always a divine punishment for something, and conversely, love is not always a divine reward. Sometimes love is the reflection of vanity. If you believe that you can “fix” someone, which is selfishness and pride, combined within vanity. I believe that I am going through some very “book of Job” type shit (wow shit? Really in a Christian themed blog…it’s in the book in the Greek…I can use it too) (what book? Do try and keep up). But I do believe that Job was right in chapter 23 verse 10 Job says “[when] he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” I believe that with all my heart (hmm, font change).
Heart…love…damn. I sense mushiness afoot. No, not really, I right this from a very non-mushy time in my life. In fact I’ve never been so pissed off. But, it’s righteous indignation I assure you (damn, I’m full of myself) (Damn, that’s a lot of stupid side comments). My favorite scriptures have always been from Philippians, the competition inherent to this letter to the church at Philippi has always struck a cord with me. You see, I like to win. I see everything as a challenge. And, fixing things that are wrong is my favorite challenge. But, Philippians chapter three, verse fourteen, says “I keep pursuing the goal to win the prize of God's heavenly call in the Messiah Jesus.” And, chapter four, verse thirteen says” I can do all things through Christ which strengthened me.” I love the simplicity of it. I can win every challenge, because I can draw upon the strength of the creator. Wow, what a statement. I want to be Christ like. The strength of God. Kinda superiority, serial killer like. But, maybe you have to be little nuts to be able to believe without doubt. I am filled with doubt. Mostly about myself, but a lot of doubt. I see discrepancies everywhere I look. That’s why I am good at my job. I ferret out problems. I don’t rest until things are “right”. But, that’s a whole other blog topic. I don’t have time to go into my view of right and wrong.
Few people know the term Agape. It’s been around for a long time, and it’s a term to describe the Biblical self sacrificing type of love that Jesus had for his followers. It’s more familial than its counterpart Eros, which is more physical in nature. But that’s what this is all about. Love and Belief. You have to believe to love, and you have to love to believe. You have to have no doubt in order to truly believe. And a liar cannot believe anyone. You have to be blameless in order to truly believe in anything. And you can’t be Christ like with any doubt. Essentially, doubt is a tremendous sin. Can you be doubtless, blameless, and humble? You have to believe in something to make it through some trials. Will I come forth as gold?
But you can trace Agape back to a description of the goddess Isis. The term is used to say beloved. The analogy of Christ’s love is that of a marriage, and I’m really beginning to see why. There is a lot of subtext there. Think about it…Sacrificing everything for the well being of another person. I may over think things, but I also believe everyone is capable of miracles. We just have to believe…in something. Another conversation for another time…maybe. If you show true love, do you show God in you? To love, truly, is a miracle.
Artist: Petra
Album: Beyond Belief
Title: Love
Love is patient, love is kind
No eyes of envy, true love is blind
Love is humble, it knows no pride
No selfish motive hidden inside
Love is gentle, makes no demands
Despite all wrong, true live still stands
Love is holy, love is pure
It lasts forever, it will endure

(Chorus)
Love knows when to let go
Love knows when to say no
Love grows in the light of the Son
And love shows the world that the Son of Love has come

Love is loyal, believes the best
It loves the truth, love stands the test
Love is God sent in His Son
Love forgives all we have done

In this world where hatred seems to grow
True love goes against the flow
And becomes so hard to show

In this world where push turns to shove
We have strength to rise above
Through the power of His love
Lord, we need to know the power of Your love

• “"WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT? WHAT'S HERE WORTH COMING BACK FOR?"
..."Tr..ooooo...luv...” Couldn’t resist the parting shot to be a quote from the best love story ever (in my opinion). Well, which Princess Bride quote would you use?

In a letter to Ron, for open viewing, I wrote: In Job chapter 23, verse 10 “[when] he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” Sound familiar, Here, I am quoting my own last blog and the Bible again. But, it does seem appropriate. But more importantly, something I am learning more and more as the months pass by so quickly, is that, we are truly never given more than we can handle. The only thing is, every time you think that you have it under control, that's where you mess up. We really can't do anything on our own, but the support structure has been provided. You just have to look for it. In Exodus, Moses father in law explains to him that there is no way that he can help all the children of Israel by himself, he had to have help. We always have others to rely on. Moses had Aaron. But, more importantly he gave all his real troubles over to God. That's the hardest. Having friends is great, but even the closest will fail you. God won't. You know that this isn't easy for me to say out loud. I rarely touch upon these subjects without some major prompting (or intoxication), but it's been on my mind, and obviously yours too. We are always here. Two hours isn't that far, and a phone call can certainly shorten the gap. But, always keep in mind that the enemy fights his hardest when we are close to our goal (mixed metaphor much). Rewards come to those that tread on, like Moses, even if there may be giants in the land. God makes giant killers out of those of us who have faith. Imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises” (Hebrews 6:12).
My mother sent me this little sermon by Joel Osteen just the other day, "It’s good to have friends and family around to cheer you up when you’re down, but in order to truly live in victory, that encouragement has to come from the inside. When your mind is telling you it’s not worth it, when your circumstances seem difficult, deep down inside, your spirit has to have the resolve that says, “I refuse to settle where I am.” That’s what David had to do. He was facing a major setback. His family was killed, his city was destroyed, and his own people were now against him, but he still managed to encourage himself in the Lord. How did he do that? He replayed in his mind the victories from the past. He recounted God’s faithfulness. As he rehearsed over and over the goodness of God, strength began to rise in his heart. There are so many places you can see the hand of God at work. Thank Him for saving you today. Thank Him for the miracle of life. Thank Him for His faithfulness. Focus on the fact that God didn’t bring you this far to leave you now. Stir up that inner strength and encouragement. As you do, you’ll rise higher and higher and live the life of victory the Lord prepared for you."
Kinda makes sense. You know I'm no Bible thumper, but the reality of this message is as true to me today as is the fact that we would have made one damn fine film. The project may have died, but what we accomplished, just the two of us with a little help here and there was remarkable, and no one can argue that. The foundation that was built and the art created were both very strong. I'm writing this off the top of my head, so forgive the errors that are ever present. Don't let the B.S. cloud your vision. Be proud of what we accomplished. Be proud of the talents that you have been given. We just had to step back and see where that genius came from. It was never just us. We are never alone. That spark of divinity is what makes true art.

I’m fighting the feelings of failure. It’s hard to see how much I have accomplished when I feel that I have let down so many people who are inescapably close to me. So much good has occurred in my life as of late, but the bad things hurt so much that they are difficult to overlook. I keep refocusing myself on the good things in my life, and touching back to my foundation of faith. I keep doing this because doubts keep resurfacing. I keep praying for peace and wisdom. I feel that I have yet been unable to find either. I’ve searched for peace through scripture, prayer, chemicals, athletics, academics, performance, meditation, and a lot of other exercises that have yet to work. Where else can I look? I know that some of this will be shocking to some of you. But I have always been in conflict with my upbringing, my education, my ambition, my talent, and my faith. I wish that they could all coincide, and in my mind, once I find the way that they will all mesh, then I may have found wisdom.