The Arnold Schwarzenegger Filmography Countdown

The Specs:

Nothing is inconceivable.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Danny DeVito
Emma Thompson (Harry Potter)
Pamela Reed (Kindergarten Cop)

Alex Hesse and Larry Arbogast are working on a new drug which will reduce the chances of a woman's body rejecting an embryo and thus causing a miscarriage. When their research funding is withdrawn, and human experimentation is denied to them, they decide to test the drug by breifly impregnating Hesse. Hesse however becomes attached to "his" unborn baby. – IMDB

The Review:

As expected, Junior was an extremely difficult movie to stomach. Personally, I feel that the subject matter regarding male pregnancy should be kept within the imagination of those who’d dare conjure up such creepiness. Alas, when someone of the caliber of Ivan Reitman (Ghostbusters) gets involved to direct then you can pretty much bet that the movie, regardless of subject, will be made and made fairly well.

But see, the movie itself is perfectly fine. The direction, photography, acting, and most other elements (trying to avoid early 90’s CG) of the film work beautifully. And this is probably wrong for me to do but the premise is so disturbing to me that I cannot help but rank this film at the bottom of my Schwarzenneger Filmography. The premise is essentially the most important part of a film to me. It attracts interest, lures moviegoers, and carries the weight of the movie. So when you “knock up” one of my acting heroes and have him strut around in drag then all hope is lost to me. And, yes, that is still considering all the other elements of the movie that were well-crafted.

Okay, I’ve beaten the premise to death. The rest of the movie was solid. Something I rarely do is sit back and watch Arnie in a non-action movie. He has only done a few of these but he actually does them well. The script calls for Arnie to play an Austrian scientist (gasp!) so they slap some glasses on him and let his accent roll. Big surprise but it works. By this point in time, audiences could better understand him anyways. Again, the only setback was watching his belly expand to maternal proportions within an hour and fifty minute timeframe. However, Arnie played the hormonal shifts exceptionally well so watching him bond with his “feminine” side and pregnant women throughout the film was humorous and cleverly executed.

Overall, I guess we all have to watch this movie once. Anything beyond that is just awkward in my opinion. I wouldn’t even say watch this movie to see a pregrant Arnold on film but moreso to watch him perform a solid acting job. Actually, I think he won a Golden Globe for his efforts so that has to be one of his better Hollywood achievements as far as I know.

The Score:

Nothing amazing or horrible caught my attention regarding the soundtrack but apparently one of the songs won an Academy Award. But I think a soundtrack is also perfect if it blends in with the visuals and doesn’t deter or take over from the overall experience. Still, a bed-ridden Arnold that is dealing with a tearie-eyed mood swing while watching some “Daddy’s Little Girl” wedding homage on TV and singing along with the jingle was priceless.

The Fact:

Arnold Schwarzenneger spent time in doctors' waiting rooms to learn how pregnant people behave. – IMDB

The Sequence:

Although the scene involving a pregnant Arnie and a pregnant Pamela Reed satisfying their immense food cravings was quite entertaining, I have to admit that the winning sequence of the film is also responsible for the line of the film. Arnold, now four weeks pregnant and continuing to work his job at the campus science lab is battling morning sickness. DeVito approaches him, concerned for his well-being. Whispering the line of the movie to him, Arnold’s colleagues happen to hear him and interject with their theories regarding his troubles. I’ll keep this vague and quote the line and leave the rest to your imagination.

The Line:

“My nipples are sensitive. My nipples have this… tingling?”

The Shot:

As much as I know you wanted to see a shot of The Pregonator, I can’t muster the will to show you. But I have the next best things:

Body Count:

Just one, Junior herself. Yeah, I said it.

The Extra:

It’s a toss-up. Here’s an IMDB thread debating if this is, in fact, the worst Schwarzenneger film. You probably have to be registered/signed-in to read.

The Specs:

The movie with MUSCLE!

Arnold Schwarzenneger (credited as ARNOLD STRONG)
Arnold Stang (Herman of Herman and Katnip, Tom and Jerry knock-off)
James Karen (Return of the Living Dead)
Ernest Graves (Dogs of War)

The divine Hercules is bored by his life on mount Olympus and asks father Zeus for a vacation on Earth. His request is denied, but by an accident with one of Zeus' lightning bolts he's thrown into New York. His inexperience with civilization and his arrogance lead into problems - until a college professor's daughter helps him to acclimatize. He starts to like living on earth and wants to stay for longer, even when father Zeus sends Nemesis to punish him. – IMDB

Let me be clear. If it were not for a pregnant man on film, Hercules In New York would, by far, not only be the worst Arnold movie but even the worst overall movie I have ever seen. I’ve even considered two things. One, the movie was made and released on the threshold of 1970, a time where I consistently struggle to enjoy movies. Two, as far as I know, this was Arnold’s first time being and starring in a movie and he was just brought over to the States. But even after those considerations, I cannot hold back.

I’ll cover the basics. First point, terrible, terrible acting by everyone involved. Arnold kind of dodges the bullet because he barely knew English and didn’t know anything about the movie industry and that it was very possible to be involved with an awful production. Everyone else though? Bad acting. The whole movie progressed like a script rehearsal as far as interacting and dialogue was concerned. In this case, I think the director is the one to blame since he usually green lights the acting he records. The most annoying and brain melting performance of all goes to Arnold Stang though, who brutally treads through most of the film as Hercules’ newfound mortal pal Pretzi (who makes a “living” selling pretzels near the docks) as a cross between Woody Allen’s looks and Jerry Lewis’ voice. Gawd. I dub him the Napoleon Dynamite of the 1970’s.

Second point, production value. Okay, okay, maybe the budget for this film sucked for its time but I’m not going to make excuses. The top of Mount Olympus, where all the gods and goddesses frolicked and sat around all day reminded me more of Piedmont Park with a crap throne in the middle of it for Zeus to sit on and with a few stone knick-knacks strewn about for “flavor”. In several of the Olympus scenes, you can even hear car horns and traffic in the background! Fight choreography was simply childish. One guy sells a blow to his stomach when Hercules is ten feet away dealing with three other people. Hercules also takes on an escaped brown bear from the New York Zoo that is obviously a dude in a bear costume that still tried to be a convincing bear on camera. Then I can’t forget the huge royal rumble at the end where Hercules teams up with Atlas and Samson to conquer various angry Capone mobsters. And by conquer, I mean to spin and tumble and fall around like synchronized dancers.

Lastly, I have to mention the whole "Arnold Complex" of this movie. Yeah, he was credited as Arnold Strong because I think that somehow people from the 1970’s couldn’t spell or read Schwarzenneger. And, you know, he is really Strong, so maybe he was renamed to give the stoners a clue. The awesome thing about all of this is the audio track dispute. See, when the movie was released, Mr. Strong’s accent and dialogue were so terrible that he had to be redubbed. So moviegoers didn’t even have a clue. All they saw was a muscular Hercules voiced by a guy I swear I’ve heard before on old National Geographic documentaries twenty years ago.

Here’s the real treat though. The DVD of Hercules In New York features two audio tracks. You can choose the theatrical release track of the documentary guy or, get this, the original audio track of Arnold Strong’s dialogue. Naturally, I cued up what Zeus intended but chickened out and loaded the subtitles too. Yeah, no lie, Arnold’s Austrian accent was just as massive as his pecs. I don’t think I can describe it but try acting an entire movie with your face full of sauerkraut and strudel and you just might have the same difficulty Arnold has trying to pronounce words such as Apollo (Uh-polo) and deity (DIET).

The Score:

Not even the greatest soundtrack of all time could have redeemed what was Hercules In New York. What we got wasn’t even close. It did match the film in overall crappiness though. No variety throughout the film, just imagine the chaotic plucking of a lute during any scene of action or drama and you’ll have a solid idea of the entire score of the film.

The Fact:

To help Arnold get the role, his agent said he had years of "stage" experience, implying theater, but Schwarzenegger had only appeared on bodybuilding stages. – IMDB

The Sequence:

I’m sure in all seriousness the chariot versus car chase scene towards the end of the movie was meant to be the sequence. However, my pick has to be Arnold versus Dude in a bear costume who was supposed to be a real bear. It was classic. I think somehow Arnold manages to bear hug the bear, not to mention throw him to the ground and slap him around some too.

The Line:

When asked what his father’s profession is, Hercules loudly replies:

“My father is a DIET!”

The Shot:

Undoubtedly, Hercules “flying” from Mount Olympus to New York:

The Body Count:

Between Hercules’ bouncing pecs, Monstro the Magnificent, Atlas, and a short-haired Samson prancing around with muscles flowing everywhere, the body count of four is more than adequate to fill the screen.

The Extra:

An assuredly running theme in my Arnold Filmography review will be classic IMDB threads pertaining to what viewers learned from watching his flicks. So here’s what you will learn should you brave the task of watching Hercules In New York:

1) A son of a Greek God and a Greek mortal woman will have an Austrian accent.

2) If you see a man flying outside your window while you're on an airplane, the first thing that you will notice about him is that he is handsome.

3) Zeus, a God who is omniscient, needs a crystal ball to see what is going on with his son.

4) If you want an extremely muscular man who is twice your size to do work, but he doesn't want to, then the best thing to do is fight him.

5) After getting your butt handed to you by the above man, you will attempt to fight him again if he doesn't do what you want a second time.

6) Your shoes will magically change colors when you take a cab somewhere.

7) Biblical men and mythological men know each other well.

8) Bears wear shoes.

9) If you see said bear standing a few yards away, then the best thing to do is to fight it rather than get away in your vehicle.

10) Time flies much faster when you're on a carriage.

11) On Mount Olympus, the only Greek names will be Zeus and Nemesis. Other names will be Roman.

12) Gangsters are not afraid of fighting men who can lift extreme weights.

13) Greek demi-gods will know how to properly use modern devices, despite never leaving their homes for thousands of years.

14) Your father, who claims to punish in sorrow, will frequently punish you in anger.

15) Zeus still needs to be explained everything by his son even after watching everything.

16) Hercules becomes stronger when he takes off his shirt.

17) When you're being held near an edge in front of an ocean by a man awkwardly holding a large plank, the best thing to do is to continue struggling against him rather than ducking or jumping out of the way.

18) The above situation is amplified when the man knocks your friends into the water and is distracted from you.

19) After a huge man breaks your bones, the natural thing for you to do is like him.

20) Gangsters who intend to take someone's life will not have guns.

21) The bigger your muscles, the more random little children will touch you.

22) Mercury, who doesn't mind talking about the Gods in front of a human, would rather take a helicopter to reach Hercules rather than fly.

23) Mercury will also fly away right after he finishes talking to Hercules...in broad daylight.

24) Pluto, the dark underworld God of death and pleasure, is a rather feminine man.

25) The same Pluto, who tries to persuade Hercules with pretty women, will rub up against Hercules suggestively. This is, of course, after feeling him up.

26) If a man has trouble lifting 1,000lbs, then it's obvious he's intentionally giving up.

27) A chariot being pulled by two trotting horses will have no problems keeping up with a car.

28) When you fall off a ladder, you will automatically become a still, rubber mock-up of who you were.

29) If a man invites you for a tea, he wants to buy drugs.

30) When a man has an odd sense of humor then it means he was dropped on his head as a baby.

31) When someone taps you on the shoulder the first thing you should ask is "What did I do wrong?".

32) Whenever you have a problem just say "I am Erculezz", the problem will then disappear.

33) Believing another man is impersonating you is reason to pull of your shirt and begin flexing. Bonus points if a chick with a long 70's hairstyle is there to coo and touch your arms.

34) College professors often have extremely cute, but very airheaded daughters.

35) Even if you throw a heavy discus half a mile, other people won't believe you can throw a light javelin at LEAST that far until you actually do it.

36) The easiest way to get out of paying the taxi fee is by tipping the car over.

37) Attacking fork trucks just because they drive by is permitted.

38) Fast forwarding the camera shots makes for excellent action scenes.

39) Placing an oxygen mask on an old lady instantly renders her unconscious.

40) REAL Gangsters threaten people by pointing their cigar at you.

41) When Kings of the Gods go down to earth they look like Jewish Rabbis.

42) New York hot dog vendors are so hopeful that you will enjoy their produce, they will chase you miles around Central Park to give you your sauerkraut.

43) The best way to make it as a pretzel salesman is to leave your pretzels in the back of a taxi

44) Samson doesn't need long hair to be hella strong

45) When a demigod's voice is played on the radio, it will sound nothing whatsoever like his actual voice.

46) Prohibition Era gangsters were brought back from the netherworlds (along with Samson) to star in this film thus explaining their awkward costumes and outdated jargon.

50) Hades is actually a cast-iron gate next to a red light and fog machine in the middle of central park.

51) The Goddess of Beauty is really rather ugly.

52) Gangsters in the 1970's drove around in rusty, sagging station wagons.

53) Somehow the sky can stay up even if Atlas isn't around to hold it there, but instead is off fighting a brawl.

54) All the gods and demigods can fly. Except for Mercury, who needs a helicopter. Or at lest he does when his winged sandals are tired and need a rest.

55) "Hercules doesn't need any money!" In fact, he can go from dead broke to a perfectly-fitted three piece suit in just a few hours, provided he has a tea party invite to attend.

56) In honor of its Pimp in Chief, Hell has changed its name to "Pluto's Pleasure Palace". Damnation has taken a vacation.

57) A man who has been selling pretzels all day can't afford $2 for a cab.

58) If you don't have any money for a cab, you should assume that someone you have just met who is sharing the cab with you will pay for you both.

59) If you are a demigod with no money, you should (for some reason) run up bills by staying in a hotel rather than staying at your friend's place (like you will do later on in the movie).

60) If you pick up a greek-guy from the ocean he automatically becomes your employee.

61) If you are a weightlifter or a strong man, but a barbell is to heavy for you, it is common to pout like a little girl.

62) Bears that run free in New York will be attacked by greek demi-gods.

63) Bears that run free in New York dont move like bears and look like apes.

64) Contrary to common belief, pretzels are the food of the gods, not ambrosia.

65) If you call a cab, take a muscular guy with you whom you can command to pay.

66) Said muscular guy will then pretend to not know what money is and attack the taxi driver and his taxi.

67) You can’t outdrive a charriot. It will get you.

68) The driver of said charriot will try a drive-by with a whip.

The Specs:

This movie has heart, soul, blood, guts, perspiration and plenty of muscle.

Arnold Schwarzenneger
Lou Ferrigno (Hulk)
Franco Columbo
Mike Katz
Ken Waller

From Gold's Gym in Venice Beach California to the showdown in Pretoria, amateur and professional bodybuilders prepare for the 1975 Mr. Olympia and Mr. Universe contests in this part-scripted, part-documentary film. Five-time champion Arnold Schwarzenegger defends his Mr. Olympia title against Serge Nubret and the shy young deaf Lou Ferrigno, whose father is his coach; the ruthless champ psyches out the young lion. Sardinian Franco Columbu competes in the lightweight class; at home in Italy he solves a tight parking problem by lifting the car into place. Joe Weider is the marketer; Mike Katz and Ken Waller go for the title of Mr. Universe. Bodybuilding and a celebrity-to-be go mainstream. – IMDB

Only three films in and I'm now to the point of not ranking Arnold's films from dislikes to likes but from likes to enjoys. Pumping Iron is the first film to suffer a low ranking not because I disliked it but because the rest of the list is so much greater. The few knocks I do have against this docu-drama is the genre itself and the inevitable pacing problems that exist in most documentaries. Unless bodybuilding is your cup of tea, approaching the hour and a half finale is a daunting task in of itself, much like unparallel parking a car by lifting it and carrying it away from the side of a road.

With dragging moments aside, Pumping Iron was brilliant. The documentary shed new light about bodybuilding to me in that the sport is also an art form. Like a sculptor that molds and shapes clay in various shapes and forms, bodybuilders do exactly the same with their flesh and muscle. It's a process of repetition and display, lifting weights to sculpt the muscle groups and then finally designing poses that display the body in perfect symmetry and clarity.

The format of the documentary was a compilation of vignettes of the primary bodybuilders of the 1975 Mr. Olympia competition. Each is shown in their individual workout regiments and in candid conversations about bodybuilding philosophies and a brief recap of their life stories and how they got to where they were at that time in 1975. Of course the film rebounds back and forth to Arnold since he basically redefined the sport by winning 6 consecutive Mr. Universe titles. It was a breath of fresh air to go back and see him do what put him on the map. By the end of the film, it is quite evident why Arnold was and still should be regarded as the greatest human/physical specimen of all time. How can you argue against a guy whose calves look like bowling balls (20 inches to be exact, see below) and whose back appears to look like a roadmap of veins and swollen muscle?

So after we get familiar with each competitor, the documentary takes us to the finish of the Mr. Olympia contest and features groups of various pose-offs and excessive amounts of oiling and flexing. There really is something else about beastly godlike men captured on film as opposed to illustrated in comics or animated in video games, just captivating wonder of how far our physical limits can extend.

The Score:

No real soundtrack was apparent during the documentary but it certainly opens and closes with a nice catchy 70's tune. Not bad at all.

The Fact:

At one point in the movie Arnold mentions that he refused to attend his father's funeral in Austria because he was training for a contest; in the commentary he denies this ever happened. - Wikipedia

The Sequence:

Arnold for the 6th time is crowned Mr. Olympia; after his win he announces his retirement from competition. He is shown celebrating his victory by smoking a joint and eating fried chicken & birthday cake.

The Line:

This is more of a comment than a line but it is probably the strangest and funniest thing I have heard Arnold say. I am not making any of this up. Seriously.

"The greatest feeling you can get in a gym or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is the pump. Let's say you train your biceps, blood is rushing in to your muscles and that's what we call the pump. Your muscles get a really tight feeling like your skin is going to explode any minute and its really tight and its like someone is blowing air into your muscle and it just blows up and it feels different, it feels fantastic. It's as satisfying to me as cumming is, you know, as in having sex with a woman and cumming. So can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like getting the feeling of cumming in the gym, I'm getting the feeling of cumming at home, I'm getting the feeling of cumming backstage, when I pump up, when I pose out in front of 5000 people I get the same feeling, so I am cumming day and night. Its terrific, right? So I am in heaven."

The Shot:

The Body Count:

Pumping Iron boasts what has to be the highest count of muscular bodies flexed, crammed, oiled, posed, ripped, and pumped into an hour and a half timeframe. I lost count after about 50 individual bodybuilders were captured on frame.

The Extra:

I'm simply attaching a visual extra. CALF!

The Specs:

Strength. Courage. Honor. And loyalty. On June 20, it all comes together…

Arnold Schwarzenneger
George Clooney
Chris O’Donnell
Uma Thurman
Alicia Silverstone
Michael Gough
Vivica A. Fox
Elle Macpherson

Batman and Robin are put to the test when their partnership is threatened by selfishness, distrust, and a trio of supervillains. Mr. Freeze bursts onto the scene with intentions of sending the entire planet to a new Ice Age. Poison Ivy, meanwhile, is bent on environmental revenge that would see the world reclaimed by Mother Nature herself. Bane tags along for the ride and provides muscle for the villainous pairing. Behind the action, Alfred is dying of a rare disease and is visited by a niece who would eventually take up the mantle of Batgirl.

Not that I want to strain terribly hard trying to come up with a list of bad movies, experts agree that Batman & Robin is either the worst movie of all time or at least in the top ten of worst movies of all time. I beg to differ. Yes, the movie was quite terrible, but not to the level of at least a few other abysmal films that are far worse. Heck, this is undoubtedly the worst Batman product ever produced period. But I cannot claim so easily that it is the worst that the film industry has to offer.

I cannot confirm but I have read that Director Schumacher intended for Batman & Robin to be an actual comic book on film (read: NOT adaptation). Other unreliable sources have even quoted Schumacher as far as “apologizing” for Batman & Robin all together. As for the former, I believe this single element provided disaster from the start. Saying you want a comic book on film is similar to viewing a painting of Van Gogh on a computer screen. The formats don’t translate truthfully. Comic books are meant to be held and flipped through and analyzed panel by panel. Frank Miller’s recent efforts of adapting graphic novels to film are quite close to accomplishing this daunting task but even then they fail short in being completely identical.

I think what myself and the viewer actually got from Schumacher was Batman and Robin in a two hour rave. Everything glowed… everything! There was not an ounce of natural lighting in a single frame. No sunlight? Check, unless you really believe in that digital sunbeam fiasco during the finale. No moonlight? Nope. Scenes glowed and pulsed with exceedingly loud and obnoxious colors of blacklight and neon paints. The costuming was equally loud and obnoxious, combining to create what appeared to be more of an elaborate Batman stage show at Six Flags.

The acting was almost forgettable. Among those to be forgotten was anyone not named Schwarzenneger. Clooney was just himself in a Batsuit, as he is in every one of his films sans the Batsuit. O’Donnell was unbearably whiney. The guy that played Bane wins out over Clooney though, for his sole ability to grunt and growl repeated words just stated by the villains seconds ago as if we needed a monstrous interpreter. Uma Thurman was overshooting her role entirely, she has come a long way since then. Silverstone was unnecessary as she’s always been. I guess she was meant to be eye-candy but even I couldn’t muster an appreciative whistle or second look at her butterface and inability to character act.

It may be near impossible for most people to admit but Ahnuld was the reason to watch and occasionally enjoy Batman & Robin. The movie was scripted and shot just for him. I even forgot until the introductory credits rolled that he was, in fact, the starring lead of the movie, even over BATMAN and ROBIN. His Mr. Freeze is relentless in this one, opening an epic novel of frozen puns and wintery one-liners, interlaced with the classic Austrian slur of English we’ve all come to know and love. Keep in mind, Arnold was already King of the one-liners, he practically invented them in movie use. But this film just drove his title home, lines of dialogue that would make most people cringe and other people just scoff in disbelief. Batman & Robin was Schwarzenneger’s playground through and through. Sure, he absolutely butchered the tragic character that is the actual Mr. Freeze but, by golly, he was Arnold in frozen power armor with an icy nerf rifle!

The Score:

The traditional orchestraic Batman theme returned and therefore was not a knock against the movie. The also traditional rock soundtrack jam-packed the credits and was obviously forgettable.

The Fact:

Contrary to popular belief of excessiveness, Arnold/Mr. Freeze’s puns and one-liners count stopped at an acceptable 20. Yes, I counted them myself.

The Sequence:

Although the most dominant and still talked about sequence of Batman & Robin was the gratuitous suiting up sequence at the beginning of the movie, the top Arnold sequence was the video footage of Dr. Fries falling into the icy bath that turns him into Mr. Freeze. This was accompanied by the classic Arnold growling and moaning that won fans over in Total Recall. Also, please note the amazing set design and how a nice sturdy guardrail protects every square inch of that platform EXCEPT for that spacious gap ABOVE the cryogenically icy vat.

The Line:

By far, the most quoted Freeze line is: “Cool party!”

The Shot:

I was particularly fond of Mr. Freeze’s Hef outfit with cigar. Everything just made sense at that moment.

The Body Count:

To my amazement, 80 thugs, minions, cops, civilians, and scientists were thoroughly beaten, frozen, shot, blown away, and poisoned. This count would have assuredly reached the 1000’s had it not been for the heroes deciding to thaw out a frozen Gotham city. Yes, I counted each one myself too.

The Extra:

Perhaps the funniest fan-designed Arnold/Mr.Freeze montage I’ve ever seen, thank you YouTube:

The Specs:

The machines will rise.

Arnold Schwarzenneger
Nick Stahl (Carnivale, Sin City)
Claire Danes (Stardust)
Kristanna Loken (BloodRayne, Dungeon Siege)
Earl Boen (Terminator 1 & 2)

Apparently, Judgment Day itself cannot be terminated it can only be postponed. Therefore, Skynet gets the last laugh after all these years and deploys the latest T-model (X) to eliminate John Connor’s future wife and lieutenants for the war against the machines. It turns out Mrs. Connor learns of this and dispatches a slight upgrade of the Terminator we all know and love to intercept this T-X and once again preserves the future for all humankind.

I vividly recall watching this in the theater and was overall extremely disappointed. But I gave T3 another try this week in the solitary confinement of my bedroom. I think I gave this viewing more of an analytical eye than the fanboy eye. I concluded that T3 was still horrible, especially when alphabetized alongside the unblemished Terminator predecessors, but it wasn’t the worst reel of film I’ve ever seen either. To sum up, I’m betting that T3 pulled a Star Wars and simply released something campy and fun and that would sell millions of dollars worth of plastic toys.

Also, to my disappointment, T3 barely managed to EARN the much needed R Rating. Yup, a Terminator flick that had to struggle to be R. I’m even willing to wager that the movie was probably originally PG-13 but, a la Snakes on a Plane, a few last ditch efforts were added later (mainly the TX inserting its fist through the chest cavity of a beat detective) to ensure the crowd-pleasing R Rating. Now that I think of it, I don’t even think Arnie himself walked away with a kill count and that includes the scene of awesomeness at the cemetary in which he unloads on an entire precinct of police officers. A shot of his internal HUD reads “No Human Casualties” after the mayhem so I guess I have to at least thank the film makers for not making me count more bodies. Hmph.

Honestly, there were a few bright spots of T3. I totally forgot how Nick Stahl wasn’t even a close resemblance to Edward Furlong but I felt he acted the part really well. Plus, since he wasn’t a 13 year old Furlong, it was nice to not hear a squeaky John Connor. He was, sadly, just as jaded and whiny though. That was one of the lower points of the film. It took the Termintor to help Connor finally grow those balls of leadership instead of simply writing Connor to be a natural leader as I’m sure he was originally intended. After that, the acting was spotty at best but it wasn’t absolutely disturbing. Ahnuld was fine as far as fun and campy goes but I think that was the intention of this one. I’m sure he was in the middle of his running for Governor at the time so he didn’t want to remind voters that he was an emotionless killing machine but a machine that could occasionally find humor in human psychology and sociology.

And, naturally, the CG and the special effects of the film held up very well. All the time traveling portal fade-ins were awesome and the TX shiftings were great. The budget-blowing explosions were phenomenal and the sound quality was outstanding. Major props to the ending sequence of the first moments of Judgment Day specifically. T3 also did well in maintaining the necessary two or three memorable action sequences (crane scene and the robot showdown scene namely) required of the franchise. So at least the technological production of the feature did its job and should be categorized proudly along the prior Terminator releases.

What really dug the grave for the movie though was the director and his choice of tone for the film. It’s okay to be fun and campy for a scene or so, like in T2. But when you make the entire project like that, it spells trouble for the continuity and integrity of the film franchise. This was definitely Terminator Light. Where did all the violence go? Where did the sense of impending doom go? Clearly, the other films were much darker and thought provoking whereas in T3, I couldn’t wait for the damned world to end.

And, for the sake of the original plot, why did we need to go back and relive another Terminator protecting John Connor while another new one tried to kill him off? We did this before! Maybe the upcoming TV series will give us what we want, the actual war on the machines. Lets just get to the future (series creator please read: DISTANT future, not 5 years from now) that has been hinted at by all three movies. We all want to see human skulls piled upon the earth and emptied oceans and HKs soaring the skies with lasers pulsing. We need to see human soldiers of the future holed up in the trenches and concrete remnants of buildings fighting back for their very existence.

The Score:

I think the overall score of the film maintained similar beats and pacings of the other two films so I wasn’t bothered at all by this. The previously existing theme was left alone and nothing was ambitiously done to replace what was already there either. The movie drops the ball at the credits though with what is seemingly routine of all action movies today: allow MTV to compile a soundtrack of the latest one-hit wonders who will undoubtedly disband before the credits finish rolling.

The Fact:

In an early draft of the script, Lance Henriksen was to reprise the role of Detective Vukovich (from The Terminator (1984)), having the character bound to a wheelchair following the events of the first Terminator. The idea was eventually dropped. - IMDB

The Sequence:

The most popular sequence of T3 had to be the crane scene where the TX was driving a large crane that was smashing Arnie through an entire street’s worth of buildings while controlling cop cars and an ambulance to stir up trouble for Connor driving the stolen pet wagon. However, I’m going with the Terminator showdown at the military base towards the end of the film. There was a lot of heavy hitting and throwing. In the end, not much can be cooler than smashing someone in the face with a urinal.

Game. Set. Match.

The Line:

Based strictly on campiness, “Talk to da hand!” is the winner. But, in keeping with the truth of the Terminator franchise, I believe that “She’ll be back!” is the most appropriate line delivery after tossing the TX down an Emperor Palpatine elevator shaft.

The Shot:

Can anyone argue against the hilarity of Ahnuld wearing Elton John shades?

I didn't think so.

The Body Count:

If you were to say to me before I had started this Arnold Challenge that Batman & Robin would have had a surmountable higher body count than Terminator 3 I would have called you a liar. I would have also been dead wrong. T3 limps into the body count total of a tear-jerking 19. And I was being generous at that, including two or three off-camera deaths. This category, or lack thereof, obviously affected my placement of T3 in the 21st ranking. I mean, yeah, it is T3 but is it wrong to assume that a Terminator flick should have a higher kill count than a comic book movie?

The Extra:

Before this version of T3 was envisioned, there was another. Here is the original trailer for what Terminator 3 should have been all about.

The Specs:

Only their mother can tell them apart.

Arnold Schwarzenneger
Danny DeVito
Kelly Preston (Sky High)
Marshall Bell (Total Recall)
David Caruso (CSI: Miami)

Julius and Vincent Benedict are the results of an experiment that would allow for the perfect child. Julius was planned and grows to athletic proportions. Vincent is an accident and is somewhat smaller in stature. Vincent is placed in an orphanage while Julius is taken to a South Seas island and raised by philosophers. Vincent becomes the ultimate low life and is about to be killed by loan sharks when Julius discovers that he has a brother and begins looking for him. – IMDB

After viewing Twins from start to finish, I realized I had never seen this movie entirely through before. I remember a clip here and there from childhood but it turns out I only had a vague idea of what the plot was about. Yes, it’s about separated twins rediscovering each other and getting involved in various antics. Pretty cliché these days but there were many elements in this flick that made it stand out above the rest. The back story, for example, is fairly unique. Scientists are trying to create the perfect human being via a “genetic milkshake” (yes, they used this term in the movie) created between six men whom individually occupy extremely high marks in intelligence, strength, and other human traits. A woman volunteers to take on the “milkshake” and give birth to what should be the perfect human specimen.

Unbeknownst to all responsible parties, twins are born. As a result, the scientists inform the fathers and the mother that the “lesser” child died during birth. Julius (Arnold), the first and the perfected of the twins, is raised on an island by the scientists and never told of his lesser twin until thirty or so years later. Vincent (Danny), however, was immediately given away to an orphanage and gradually grew to a life of mischief, crime, and slime baggery.

So the first third or so of the film is Julius leaving the island to seek his long lost brother. But at the same time he has to learn to adapt to the California culture. I was particularly fond of this angle, as it is apparent that Julius knows everything there is to know since he is extremely book smart. However, there’s big difference between knowing things from books than there is from actual experience. So, in a way, Julius is quite slow to pick up certain things that all of us take for granted (basic fashion sense, common sense, etc.).

When Julius finally tracks down Vincent, he immediately is launched into his world of lowly petty crime. Vincent doesn’t complain much after he realizes that this new musclebound guy easily protects him from bookies that keep harassing him for money he owes. The plot thickens somewhat when a bounty hunter (played by Kuato from Total Recall) is sent in to do the bookie dirty work. This is thrown into the mix as Vincent eventually accepts the truth that his “bodyguard” is his twin brother and goes on a quest to find their mother. The film ends nicely with the bounty hunter confrontation and with an interesting twist about the twins’ mother.

Overall, Twins was a lot better than I remembered it being. It broke into the top twenty when I had originally predicted it much lower on the rankings. I’d say that if they ever release a nice DVD set for this, I’d own it and watch it multiple times. I can still name nineteen “more preferable” Arnie flicks but I can’t really say anything bad about Twins. It was amusing to see David Caruso in a bit role as a mere parking deck attendant and I definitely thought Kelly Preston was absolutely hot, even considering the difficulty of naming any girl that was hot in the 80's.

The Score:

The title song was actually kind of catchy. It was nominated for a Golden Globe so I guess a lot of other folks agree with me. The only other memorable portion of the score was the country music blaring at the square dancehall. I’m not a fan of the genre but what else would be playing in that setting? I give special praise to another Arnold sing-a-long, check it out below.

The Fact:

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito and Hulk Hogan have all revealed in interviews that Schwarzenegger and DeVito were given the option of doing this movie or Suburban Commando (1991); had the two chosen Suburban Commando, Hogan and Christopher Lloyd would have done this movie. – IMDB

The Sequence:

I think this is a fairly iconic sequence because I’ve seen it before in a montage of Universal Studios’ memorable film moments. It’s when Vincent decides that it is time for Julius to update his look so they wind up getting tailored for identical suits. As they are leaving, they both simultaneously flip on their sunglasses and toss their suit jackets over their shoulders.

The Line:

You know the winner has to be when Arnie breaks out the TRADEMARK line in a non-Terminator role. This is how he polishes off a bookie after a brief interrogation.

“If you’re lying… I’ll be back!”

The Shot:

This one was established within the first ten minutes of the movie. Ahnuld passes by a Sly/Rambo poster and kind of gives it a head shake of disbelief.

The Body Count:

I cannot claim that no one was harmed because Arnold did take out the trash in a few sequences. However, no one was actually killed. It’s okay, Arnie, save those 200 kill counts for other projects.

The Extra:

Don’t talk back!

The Specs:

A woman and a warrior that became a legend.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Brigette Nielsen (Rocky IV, Cobra, Beverly Hills Cop II)
Sandahl Bergman (Conan the Barbarian, Airplane II: The Sequel)
Paul L. Smith (Popeye)
Ernie Reyes Jr. (The Rundown, Surf Ninjas, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II)

The tyrant Queen Gedren seeks absolute power by raiding the city of Hablac and acquiring a magic talisman that can destroy the world. Varna, Red Sonja’s sister and the last of the keeper’s of the talisman escapes capture and is rescued by the talisman’s master Kalidor. Together, they track down Red Sonja who is fated to take back the talisman and destroy it so that no other will risk world destruction with its power. Along the way, they join forces with the child Prince Tarn of Hablac and his guardian Falkon in an epic journey to save the world.

I remembered very little of Red Sonja before this viewing so it was close enough to watching again for the first time. I am a huge Robert E. Howard fan and have read probably all or damned near all of the original Conan stories. This and the Conan movies were driving forces behind my interests in fantasy settings and, ultimately, roleplaying all together. However, now having Red Sonja freshly projected to memory, I find that I really enjoyed the film. There are a couple of things that stood out that definitely cemented its rankings to the lower echelons of the list.

For starters, what is up with Arnie’s character in this one? I mean, he looks exactly like Conan and he fights exactly like Conan but he is not Conan in this movie. Nope, he’s some red leather-clad dude named Kalidor. Why? I don’t know and I wish I did. Red Sonja and Conan are both from the same literary world of Hyborea and both are property of Mr. Howard himself. So… why couldn’t Arnie just be Conan? This was a huge letdown to me. I would have even settled for Kalidor later explaining that he is actually Conan in hiding for whatever reason, maybe he wanted to sneak out from playing King for a while and find an adventure or two.

I gave up trying to explain it to myself so I settled on renaming Kalidor to Onan the Arbarian. I felt much better after doing that. Anyways, as for Sonja herself, I thought that Brigette Nielsen was the best and only logical choice for the main character. And she didn’t let me down on the acting side. Only note of disappointment is that some dimwit (albeit from the 80’s) thought it’d be awesome if she had a four foot long mullet. Yeah, Joe Dirt doesn’t have anything on Red Sonja. Other than that distraction, I forgot how attractive Nielsen was back then. And, as I said, her acting wasn’t terrible.

As for the overall performances, the terrible acting goes to the eight-year-old Ernie Reyes Jr.. He was certainly funny as hell but he read every line of his dialogue and didn’t act them at all. He got frustrating after a while, he deserved better directing/coaching. I also thought that Sandahl Bergman (Conan’s love interest Valeria from Conan the Barbarian) was somewhat over the top as the villainous Queen. And it was creepy seeing her with short black hair and wearing a tunic and tight pants. She did much better as the tanned blonde Valkyrie from Conan the Barbarian.

Nothing else really struck me as flawed about the film. The sets were elaborate and detailed as ever. Costumes, oh the costumes, were top notch. Even the special effects were good, considering how long ago the movie was made. And even the music was similarly composed as if it were the same themes used in the Conan movies. I’m sure gamemaster’s and fantasy dorks alike still play tracks from these movies to enhance their D&D experiences.

Lastly, I caught the underlying message of the movie and I think it did well in presenting the ever popular gender issues in fantasy settings. Where in most settings, males are often the ones swinging swords while the females are mostly used as healers or damsels in distress. In Red Sonja, the whole view is flipped. Only women can handle the talisman. All the keepers of the talisman were females who actually handled themselves extremely well with swords. Red Sonja really wasn’t keen on teaming with a man until near the end of the movie. Queen Gedren was the central villain, as opposed to a typical corrupt King. I’m betting I am over-analyzing this theme but it really struck me obviously right away so I couldn’t deny what I thought was going on between the frames.

The Score:

Although Red Sonja couldn’t get the amazing talents of Basil Poledouris (Conan movies), Ennio Morricone did an admirable job of scoring similar orchestraic themes for this film. When the battle music started, I felt like charging into battle. When the traveling melody kicked in, I felt like following the group on horseback. Sure, the Lord of the Rings probably owns the title for greatest fantasy soundtracks but you can add this and Conan’s soundtracks to the playlist without complaints.

The Fact:

Arnold Schwarzenegger himself eschews this movie as one of his worst, yet he (laughingly) claims that it's an excellent disciplinary tool for his children: "I tell them, if they get on my bad side, they'll be forced to watch ‘Red Sonja’ ten times in a row. Consequently, none of my kids has ever given me much trouble." - IMDB

The Sequence:

There’s a catch to the preferred sequences of Red Sonja. For starters, I had difficulties capturing motion during the famous sequence of Kalidor and Sonja squaring off against a mechanical sea monster. The frames were just too fast and the creature just went nuts after it was blinded. I can only say to imagine the scene from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective when Jim Carey gets thrown around by the Snowflake “imposter” but replace Jim with Ahnold and replace Snowflake “imposter” with a gigantic metal eel looking creature. It was great.

But, the best capturable sequence (damned DIVX files), was also probably the best single kill in the movie, complements of Kalidor.

The Line:

This was also proving difficult as Arnie didn’t actually lay down a definitive catch phrase or memorable line. This one got the most attention from me, however.

“I know you’re a brave girl but danger is MY trade!”

The Shot:

Ah, a no-doubter.

The Body Count:

Well, now we’re getting at the spirit of a solid action movie! This was by far the most challenging film yet to tally up all the bodies, lots of freeze-framing and rewinding to confirm kills. Approximately ninety (yes, NINE-ZERO) peasants, minions, soldiers, and cultists were slashed with swords, smashed with bone clubs, boiled in water, tossed into deep pits, beheaded, impaled, squished by stone doorways, teleported to unknown alternate dimensions, and tossed into lava. No lie!

The Extra:

I came across a thread that dared to ask the unthinkable:

What if Conan and Kalidor met on the battlefield?

And a classic response, in my opinion:

They might turn up being brothers, and Kalidor was just taken to another slave camp. Then, ala Sixth Day, they would team up to go kick some ass on a real baddy.

It’s not much of an extra, I know, but it’s rough finding something interesting about a movie that even Ahnold dislikes.

The Specs:

The system gave him a raw deal. Nobody gives him a raw deal.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Darren McGavin (Kolchak - Night Stalker)
Robert Davi (Jake Fratelli - Goonies)
Ed Lauter (everything)
Paul Shenar (Jenner – Secret of NIMH)

Mark Kaminsky is kicked out of the FBI for his rough treatment of a suspect. He winds up as the sheriff of a small town in North Carolina. FBI Chief Harry Shannon, whose son has been killed by a mobster named Patrovina, enlists Kaminsky in a personal vendetta with a promise of reinstatement into the FBI if Patrovina is taken down. To accomplish this, Kaminsky must go undercover and join Patrovina's gang. - IMDB

Of the few Schwarzenneger flicks I’ve never seen before compiling this list, Raw Deal was the sole action flick that somehow passed by my radar. Naturally, I was delighted to sit back and enjoy a “new” Ahnold action flick from the days of yore. Needless to say, I was impressed. It’s got everything I could ask for from the Governator: humor, violence, trademark one-liners and action sequences. Raw Deal manages to hold its own but obviously cannot compare to the bigger budget flicks in Arnie’s ahh-senal. It’s a definite recommendation but don’t regard it as another Commando or The Running Man because you’ll be disappointed. Raw Deal is an entertaining warm-up for better things to come.

Of course the plot isn’t exactly anything to shake a stick at. But is that why I am going through the trouble of reviewing the vast majority of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s filmography? Although the plot has its holes and canyons, the story entertains on many levels. Not to mention, some of the acting jobs were downright mind boggling. Special mentions go to Arnold’s crazy/alchy “Stepford Wife” (I’m sure this is why he fakes his own death to begin with, I’d fake my death too with a wife like that) and the priceless ending sequence that attempts to end an hour and a half bloodbath with a touching scene of recovery and friendship.

There’s not much else to add beyond that. Although the story is a typical mole/rat Donnie Brasco concept it is the action sequences that really makes this watchable in an entertaining way. As we all know, none of Arnie’s work is Oscar worthy but his movies do guarantee a damned good time and that’s all this particular reviewer cares about. Plus, there really is no added sway with a review like this because the fanbase is extremely loyal to begin with. Arnold haters are equally passionate so there you have it. I am going to hold off on owning a copy of this on DVD simply because I sense an awesome special edition/director’s cut of this is on the horizon.

The Score:

Overall, I enjoyed the soundtrack. The movie did lose me briefly with some god awful country twang that ushered in the opening credits. However, Raw Deal is littered with typical 80’s synths, drums, and guitars as well as a track from Heart (“If Looks Could Kill”) and a timely Rolling Stones cut of “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” definitely bumps up my impression of the score.

The Fact:

The car that Kaminsky (Arnold Schwarzenegger) drives at the end of the film is the same car he steals in the movie Twins (1988/I) (minus the bull horns of course). - IMDB

The Sequence:

This is a tough one to call since there were at least three memorable scenes in Raw Deal. I’ll narrow it down to two, giving the nod to the gravel pit sequence near the end of the film that features Arnold driving around a construction site blasting baddies with a semi-automatic weapon. To kick things off, Arnie inserts a Rolling Stones tape into the car stereo and then proceeds to mow people down to the tune of Satisfaction. One guy gets plastered with lead, takes a helluva fall and lands perfectly into one of those gravel grinder thingies.

The Shot:

One of the, if not the most, classic Arnold kills.

The Body Count: I counted 40 dead overall. Somewhat impressive for a shoot-em-up.

The Line:

This was claimed within the first 10 minutes of the film. Kaminsky approaches his wife, who was drinking booze and baking a cake in the kitchen at the time, and informs her of his decision about accepting the dangerous undercover assignment. She immediately reacts by yelling and throwing the cake right at his face. However, he manages to cleanly dodge and then remarks...

“You should not drink and bake.”

The Extra:

1) It's totally fine to cause millions of dollars worth of damage, go on killings sprees, effectively cheat on your wife, and give the woman your cheating with loads of money, as long as your pretty much a good guy. Infact, you might even get your job back!

2) The best way to fake your own death is with a massive explosion.

3) Don't worry about getting away from this explosion. As long as you drive slowly away on a motorcycle, debris and heat can't touch you.

4) If you want to make friends, go to summer camp.

5) If your going undercover, just slick your hair. A bit.

6) Cigars are cool.

7) A few bottles of champagne really wipes you out.

8) People in wheelchairs can walk, there just not trying hard enough!

9) Professional hitmen can wipe out whole squads of police officers, but the best line they can think of when they come to their target is "witness this".

10) It's easy to spot people who are involved with the mafia. Just look for people wearing naff 80's sunglassess.

11) A punch in the face has no effect on people anymore.

12) Your wife won't care that you've faked your own death and left her for a while - she'll get herself pregnant while you're gone.

13) It's possible to hit numerous targets at a distance of a 100 yards with a fully automatic submachinegun held in one hand, while driving a white convertible with the track "i can't get no statisfaction" on the stereo - at least if you're Arnold!

14) Bar room brawls still rock...

15) Pouring candy over a dead mobster is the coolest way to end a violent shoot-out.

16) If a hit squad tries to kill you in a department store and you manage to get away make sure you go back for the merchandise you purchased.

17) It is ok to blow up an entire factory if you are faking your own death.

18) If you are responsible for your boss getting shot he will forgive you easily and not even care about the extreme amount of pain he is in.

19) Vending machines are the best places to put bombs.

20) North Carolina sheriffs don't have to abide by police brutality laws.

21) You should not drink and bake.

22) Bring as many different guns as possible so you have to carry a bunch of different magazines as well.

23) When you're standing guard outdoors, select only the most visible or precarious place to stand.

24) There's nothing at all gay about sucking on cigars.

25) Guns don't kill people - Arnold does!

The Specs:

Moscow’s toughest detective. Chicago’s craziest cop. There’s only one thing worse than making them mad. Making them partners.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
James Belushi (According to Jim, Jingle All The Way, Saturday Night Live)
Peter Boyle (Everybody Loves Raymond, Young Frankenstein)
Larry Fishburne (Event Horizon, Pee Wee’s Playhouse, The Matrix)
Gina Gershon (Bound, Face/Off, Showgirls)
Brion James (Blade Runner, The Fifth Element, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park)

Red Heat is the first American movie ever to film in Russia’s famed Red Square. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Captain Ivan Danko, a highly disciplined Russian detective. James Belushi is Detective Art Ridzik, a fearless but undisciplined cop. They’re a pair of mismatched cops hot on the trail of Russia’s deadliest drug smuggler throughout the mean streets of Chicago. A nonstop action-adventure, packed with humor and thrills… with this much friction, there’s gotta be heat… RED HEAT. – DVD

How’s this for an acting dynamic? You’ve got the Austrian Arnold cast to play a Russian detective who actually does speak Russian here and there but also has to speak English. So we’ve got one guy primarily trying to speak one language with like three accents. I figured I had to point that out. Anyways, the movie itself is not too shabby. As I look ahead at the countdown, we’re really on the cusp of the Arnie classics. I’m no longer looking at films I have to stomach but ones I am really going to enjoy all over again but with a critical eye.

Red Heat is no slouch for the most part. Seeing the opening credits against the backdrop of the Red Square was extremely awesome, seeing as no other American film project could even grace Soviet territory before that time. This is also combined with some intense Russian orchestra/opera that I found amazingly enjoyable. There’s a featurette on the Special Edition that talks about the obvious difficulty of trying to film the first 30 minutes or so of the movie in Russia due to how things were (historically) back then. So I can always say that Arnold was involved in at least one moment of film and political history.

It is quite clear within the first five minutes of the film that Ahnold really missed his signature role as the Terminator. Ivan Danko is quite the emotionless and essentially nude killing machine before the credits even roll, putting the naked beatdown on several folks inside a mixed gender bath house. Not much later on, he is combing a Russian bar for some druggies to bust, all while walking around very mechanically and with no facial expressions. He really goes out of his way to be too Terminator-like, except for wearing the Russian uniform and bearskin cap.

Thus, we have James Belushi carrying the bulk of the movie as far as comedic attempts and dialogue. Although, he merely played what I always thought a typical Chicago cop would be like (hard working, misunderstood, seemingly assholish, and a slew of masturbatory jokes). I really wouldn’t recommend him for any running chase scenes though, as he repeatedly tilted his head upward as he sprinted, as if constantly following the scent of a hotdog with relish.

Between the pairing, we got less of a typical cop buddy teamup and more of a circumstancial teamup due to matched interests from opposing nations. So I have to give the film credit for not going the Lethal Weapon route although they almost fell into that trap with a last minute gift exchange from the duo at film’s end. I don’t think it fully came off as well as the movie intended so I think we have been spared a Red Heat reunion. I think the film did well in portraying their relationship as somewhat tense, quite representative of their respective countries views on one another at the time.

The Score:

I say with the Russian pieces that lead in the movie and closed the movie, Red Heat actually has a fantastic score. Other than that, we’re left again with typical synth and drum work throughout the film. I think that was even cleverly done though, as I’m sure Russian music back then was quite respectable and traditional while all the American scenes featured their beats and rhythms of their 80’s. So maybe there was a hidden statement laced within the soundtrack?

The Fact:

The film crew applied for a permit to film in the Red Square but the application was denied, so the crew had to "sneak-film" the Red Square scenes. They dressed Arnold up in the uniform and filmed him as though making an amateur/home movie with just a couple of crew people present. – IMDB

The Sequence:

The finale takes the cake for best sequence as the Russian cop and the Russian drug smuggler opt to play Russian chicken with busses on the streets of Chicago. They smash through glass, a city landmark, and eventually jacknifing and being plowed through by a train. It was the obvious budget blower of a scene so it has to be the sequence of choice. See The Extra below for visuals.

The Line:

After enduring his American partner resort to bribing and planting drugs on a suspect during an interrogation, Danko demonstrates the Russian method of arm twisting and finger snapping. Proving its effectiveness, Danko turns to Ridzik and stoically remarks:

“Soviet method is more economical.”

The Shot:

There’s definitely a hidden perk to having a hollow wooden leg, as Danko discovers:

The Body Count:

I’m starting to believe that my body counts are accurate since they always seem to wind up on an even number. Red Heat holds to this with 20 kills. Seems like half of these were done in bulks of 5.

The Extra:

I dug up the original theatrical trailer. It's actually pretty f'n good. Enjoy.

The Specs:

What would you do if you lost everything?

Arnold Schwarzenegger
John Leguizamo (Die Hard 2, Ice Age, Super Mario Bros.)
John Turturro (Gung Ho, The Bronx Is Burning, Transformers)
Cliff Curtis (Live Free Or Die Hard, The Fountain, Training Day)
Francesca Neri (Hannibal, Italian films)
Elias Koteas (Shooter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Zodiac)
Harry J. Lennix (24, Matrix, Ray)

Firefighter Gordon Brewer is plunged into the complex and dangerous world of international terrorism after he loses his wife and child in a bombing credited to Claudio "The Wolf" Perrini. Frustrated with the official investigation and haunted by the thought that the man responsible for murdering his family might never be brought to justice, Brewer takes matters into his own hands and tracks his quarry ultimately to Colombia. – IMDB

Minus the forgettable Terminator 3, Collateral Damage was essentially Arnie’s final run at another starring action movie. The film wasn’t exactly terrible but it wasn’t memorable either. I think it is safe to say that Collateral Damage follows the typical beats of a normal action movie but allows Arnold to still be a superman within the surrounding normalcy. So try to imagine an action movie plot or format that could function just fine without the epicness of Schwarzenegger but, in fact, only the main character does superhuman things.

I’ll try to make my point clearer. Gordy Brewer starts out as a normal, every day firefighter with a wife and a kid. But as soon as the bomb drops and the family is toast, Arnie’s Gordy manages to survive being completely plowed through by a car. After being in a hospital bed for five minutes, he’s totally fine and then decides to go on a rampage. I figure that most people that lose loved ones in a disaster or act of terror rarely actually get true revenge but Gordy hunts the Wolf down all the way to his house in Colombia. All while demonstrating his expertise as a demolitionist, hand-to-hand combat guru, and surviving a massive gas mane explosion for the finale.

Don’t get me wrong, it is totally Arnold being Arnold but I don’t think this particular role was suited for him. Perhaps it was casting overkill or even the lack of an amped up story to meet his screen presence. With all that aside, the movie all around was solid but nothing powerful enough to launch it towards a higher rank. So I guess it’s best to say that instead of going out with a bang, he went out with a nod of approval.

It’s also important to point out the release issues this film had to endure. This was yet another project that suffered the timing of the 9/11 attacks. Rightfully so, it was decided to hold off releasing a terrorist movie in light of those real events. I’m not saying or claiming the movie was rewritten or altered in any way but simply that it still suffered a poor box office fate even after the delay.

The Score:

There was nothing really memorable or disheartening about the score in this one. Just the typical orchestral stuff for dramatic and action emphasis.

The Fact:

I found it clever how the creative team behind Collateral Damage gave Arnie a nice “farewell” tribute by paying homage to a few of his more famous works. The main terrorist baddie shows up to detonate a bomb in a clever Robert Patrick police biker outfit with identical shades (Terminator 2). Ahnold is also in a chase scene in the Colombian jungle when he suddenly does a steep slide down a hill and eventually into a massive waterfall a la Predator. I think IMDB lists a few more movies that were referenced but I didn’t catch them as readily as I did these two.

The Sequence:

It had to be the finale in which Arnie “steals” his buddy Sylvester Stallone’s hero leap that he made famous in Demolition Man and Cliffhanger.

The Line:

Having learned that there was a small group of Colombians that sympathized for the cause of the gorillas (terrorists) and labeled the deaths of Gordy’s wife and kid on the news as “collateral damage”, Gordy makes an appearance at their office with a baseball bat in hand and proceeds to smash everything to pieces while yelling:

“You want fucking collateral damage?! I’ll give you collateral damage!”

The Shot:

It’s hard to imagine the Governator being tasered but here he is…

The Body Count:

This is where Harry Lennix earned his paycheck for this movie. Naturally, the first body counts were accounted for right away when the office building explodes. Of course, I couldn’t freeze frame and count every single person walking around the building when it blew. But as soon as the law enforcement arrives, Mr. Lennix informs his superior and the audience that 33 folks bit the dust from the bomb. Bless you, Harry!

Anyways, after a few more exploding buildings and prison raids, the grand total ended at 50.

The Extra:

Just the trailer here but it has some of the things I discussed earlier.